Rogue One is a less enjoyable experience than eating an above-average burrito

Posted: December 19, 2016 by Jaden C. Kilmer in Movie Review
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

When I went to go see Rogue One: A Star Wars Story last Saturday, I went in full of hope and an empty stomach. My burrito which I got on my lunch break at work and did not have time to unwrap, was left in the back seat of my car for a late night snack.

Somewhere around thirty minutes into the two hour movie, I began to craze the taste of that zesty, slightly spicy piece of psuedo-Mexican nourishment. The thought of pico de gallo and grilled chicken drizzled with salsa verde wrapped in a flour tortilla made me yearn for the movie to just skip to the good stuff. And Rogue One looked back at me and said “the movie just got ten minutes longer!”

I persevered, even as I remembered how the burrito came with a slice of cheesecake dusted in powdered sugar, and longed for the light and crisp crunch of lettuce leaves punctuating the softer notes of tomato and avocado. Rogue One improbably continued, the promised epic space battle still a ways away, as characters simply sat around talking about each other, and yet not doing much.

This is why a burrito is so enjoyable. It combines many different flavors into a cohesive whole, elevating its palate not by overwhelming you with the spiciness of the salsa or any one flavor, but by carefully constructing distinct flavors that work together in pursuit of the common goal of culinary bliss. Rogue One stands in contrast as something more like a plate of dry chicken garnished with a drop of water. Or a burrito constructed inside out, tortilla wrapped in pico de gallo and chicken, so that all the pieces necessary for success are there but are presented in the wrong order, and result in a mess that falls apart before it can be enjoyed.

By the time X-wings were dogfighting Tie-fighters, all I could feel was grief and remorse. I closed my eyes and begged my burrito to forgive me for forsaking it, abandoning it cold and alone in the back of my Mitsubishi, without even leaving the radio on. I thanked it for its dedication to my taste buds and upon coming home, immediately enjoyed a meal that had more character and subtlety than Rogue One.

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Comments
  1. ReyShelley says:

    This is terribly funny and just made my day! I agree with you completely! I was bored to tears for about 2/3rds of the movie, waiting for something to develop. Then, in the last act, when the action does start taking place I found my self not caring . It’s amazing that so much time was spent on dialogue between characters, yet such a lack of development was actually achieved. At the end, I felt nothing due to the lack of emotional investment I had for the “characters.”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. jimspoor says:

    Metaphor. Allegory. Simile.
    Sweet, simple, and tasty.

    Liked by 1 person

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